Hebrews 10:3-36
I use to have this confidence.
Confidence where I could walk into a room and lift my head and be proud of who I was and I felt good about who I was. A confidence in the things I did. I was good at school. I had my life planned out at an early age.
I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed to do to get it.
Confidence.
Somehow, I've misplaced it. Maybe I lost it.
Maybe it never really was confidence...maybe it was pride.
Yeah...a lot of it was pride. But I know there was some true confidence somewhere in me.
When I was in High School I was more proud, but confident. I wasn't the prettiest, I wasn't the smartest...but I knew who I was. I knew what I believed. I knew what I wanted in life. I was strong, I said no to lots of things like parties and drinking and things I didn't agree with. I was friends with everyone and I was liked and even admired. Pride.
When I got to college I still had that confidence. I could say hi to anyone...I even remember going into the cafeteria one time during lunch, that first week at school, and I went over to a table and asked if I could sit down with someone who I had never met. I went through college really fast...I wanted to get married. I did what I wanted to do, I got my degree, met a few good friends along the way and then got married.
I started teaching right after...I taught seniors and sophmores my first year. That first day I was so nervous...but I had confidence. I had it that day. That year. I had it. I remember one of my seniors wrote me an email telling me how much they admired the confidence I had and how they were greatful to have me as a teacher. I still have that email. I had confidence.
But in all these seasons of life, I now see that yes, I did have confidence, but that confidence was in me alone. In my abilities. In what I knew I could do. I had life in my hands and I was good at it.
Confidence mingled with pride.
And then motherhood...I was a confident mom at first. I had it down. I had taken care kids since I was young...I loved babies. I was one of those who couldn't wait to have babies.
And I was good at it.
But motherhood does something to you...it scares you a little bit. Because all of a sudden you realize that no matter how good at this you are....You Dont Have It. You Can't Do It All. I Have No Control.
Confidence plummets.
I had control of things in High School and College. I had control of my life. And I did it. I had a plan and I stuck to it and did it. But when you have other lives to deal with. When you have other personalities to figure out...when you can't figure out other little lives and that is what you are suppose to do...whoa!
So, here I am looking for my confidence. Trying to get it back. To find it. To feel it.
Truth: I long for that confidence I had. I long for that feeling of knowing who I am and not wavering. That feeling of strength and the ability to be able to do whatever I need to do to get things done and knowing that I'm gonna do it.
Truth: I don't want the pride to be in the way. I don't want that confidence if there is any pride that is not of God to be mingled in it. I don't want that. I want pure confidence. God given confidence. I want to know that I can do whatever it is God has called me to do in this moment because He has given me the strength and the power to do it and without Him I am nothing. I want to KNOW that. I want confidence in Him.
I struggle with my pride. I struggle with caring about what people think. I struggle with wanting admiration. I struggle with wanting appreciation. Sometimes motherhood is a thankless job. But there are times when it is awesome. I will take picked dandelions from our front yard from Sammy over 1000 thank you's anyday.
I want confidence...And I will have it. But I must be refined and purified...I don't want it any other way. I want pure confidence so that whatever I do, whatever God's calling is on my life, I know that I can do it because He has called me to do it. He has given me the power to do it. It's not me. It's not pride or vanity. It's all God. Everything that I do will glorify him, not me.
That's the kind of confidence I want and I know God is going to give it to me, refined and purified and perfected so that I can walk into a room and have confidence, knowing that every word out of my mouth is for his glory and every action I take is for His purpose.
Where does your confidence lie?
Prayer
Father, I want to have confidence in you alone. Nothing that I do in this life is of any value unless it is for Your glory and perfected in You. God there are days when my pride gets in the way, when my vanities seek approval, when I want recognition for me...I'm sorry for that. I want to feel what it's like to have confidence that is perfected and pure. That is my desire and I will persevere through whatever it is that I need to be taken through, because I know that once I do Your will, You will give me all that You have promised. In your precious name, Amen.
Reflections
Where does your confidence lie? In your work, your artistry, your mothering, your friendships...? Are there areas in your life where you can see pride mingled with confidence? Look at your life and ask yourself if you have confidence in such areas because of your abilities or because you know you are glorifying God in these things.
Actions to Take
- Ask the Lord to reveal to you the confidence that He desires for you.
- In your own words write down a prayer for Godly Confidence.
- I will seek to have Confidence in Christ alone and not by my own strength.
- I will ask the Lord to refine me and purify my confidence.
- I will let go of the things I want control of and give them to God, knowing that I can do nothing without Him.
- I will walk in a room with my head held high because I know that He gives me confidence, strength and favor.
- I will remember that He has richly rewarded me!
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7
"Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4
"My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore."
Psalms 121: 1-3
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